This is the Blog...

Sunday, 12 July 2009

  • well....summer has gone by....slowly.  I haven't started summer homework at all...
    and I get incredibly sad listening to this song.

    I cry because I'm scared that he will do the same thing to me as he did to Linda.
    I'm afraid he doesn't love me anymore
    I'm afraid I don't love him anymore.

    The things he does.....I feel as though we're growing apart, as if we were ever close at all, fuck me.
    He plays games all the time...well, I don't expect him to spend all his time with me or anything, but I'm tired of being the only one trying to keep this relationship up.

    I'm tired of being the only one to initiate things, I'm tired of it all.  I feel like I gave my virginity up for nothing, and I regret it. 

    I'm tired of waiting for him to text me all day...I don't want to be the one forcing things anymore.

    all the things that he has done so far,
    they have made me slowly fall out of love with him.

    and I'm caught in between because I don't know if I'm sad that I don't feel love from him, or rather that I'm falling out of love with him.

    if I break it off with him, I still want to be friends, of course...and if I do break it off, I want to do it face to face...and then. I want to be with him one last time.

    every time I see him, though, I get so happy.  Every time he touches me, I feel like going crazy,
    and I miss him so much. 
    but maybe it's just a summer thing
    maybe I should wait until after summer.


    and I can't take this any longer, this pain, I hate it so badly.
    I'm not sure if this song refers to his or my own feelings....if it even applies to either!
    he probably does not care since this is just a high school love
    hahah but it still hurts.

    I should probably get over this in the future, but it's just bothering me.  
    he probably doesn't care, that's just it.
    he probably won't listen, which is why I'm scared.

    if I told him that the things he does are making me fall out of love with him, would he try to win me back or would he just let me go?

    he tells me that he loves me more, but I definitely don't feel it.
    ---------

    So I waited for him to go "available" on AIM....I IMed him before saying "Hey youuuuu" and when he finally was available...he says
    "HEY YOU!!
    RETIRING TIME"

    fuck this.  I don't think he wants me anymore. 
    I don't think he cares anymore. I don't think he knows how much I want to talk to him.

    I don't think he knows how much this is hurting me.

Wednesday, 01 July 2009

Monday, 29 June 2009


  • Hmm....so apparently, I am dating Ly.  Err...have been, for a little over a month (the 23rd, I believe)....so....yeaaahhh =O

    Well, the kiss came on the 23rd when his sister took us to the mall to go shopping for his prom stuff, along with his little skater cousin + skater cousin's little bro WHO IS SO ADORABLE <3 kenny...T__T hahah.

    Kenny, though I only saw him for a span of two hours, went emo twice LOL...

    ahh well, after we went shopping, we skated in front of his cousin's house for a while...then Kenny peed on the kitchen floor so he and alan were stuck in the house HAHAHa...ahh, I remember so clearly....

    so we skated to my house....D:....I snuck him in...we started wrestling...and as we were taking a break inbetween our wrestling, I felt lips upon mine =O...and i sorta ignored it for a while...then it was pressed a little more...and then I asked "are those your lips?"

    and that foo, Ly, said "...I dont' know.." LOL

    then he smooched me again...and again...and somehow, after a while, tongue got in there O__O..........

    yeeeaaaaaaaah so he stayed until twelve that night (holy....=O) hahaha.

    soooo then prom night came....he stayed over that night....until 3 PM on sunday HAHAHA
    well he and I were

    we were just making out the whole night....well, I fell asleep after we ate on my bed and he started watching Boondock Saints....then I woke up and he was...excited....so we started making out

    and somehow, we started grinding down south and it felt really good....soo goot.  hahaha.  it did. it felt.... I don't know how to explain it.  but it was very sensual =O...

    ahhh well...we cuddled a lot...kissed a lot....made out...a lot....grinded a lot...yeeahh =O

    many things have happened since then.

    I apologized to Lindo and she accepted it...after I fed her cookies and made her chicken wings...but I'm too lazy to upload pictures for now...hahaha.


    so...he and I have done it....already =O...it happened last thursday when he was at my house before practice....we just sorta did it.  well, we stole "exercising equipment" from my parents...and then we "exercised"....twice...hahah.
    we did it again on Sunday....once normally...but I got dry so we tried making me wet but it was no good LOL...had to smuggle lube from my parents to guide us =O...

    and we did it up the butt too but....that felt freakin weird for me.....



    sometimes I think he only comes over just for sexual relief....sometimes I feel neglected that he's doing other things, but that's because I'm being overly needy.  Hahha,  I know that.  I'm doing my best not to want him so much....

    I'm trying to do other things to keep him out of my mind...though I want him so badly.

    I'm scared things will turn out the way it did for Linda and him.

    I'm scared that I'll be heart broken...and at the same time, he wouldn't feel a thing..

    I'm so very scared...and I wish this dream that I'm living will end up as me waking up...and just shaking this off like it's nothing


    this Thursday is our transformers date...I hope he can make it....I hope he wants to...

    now I must go find things to do without needing him so much....COME ON, KELLY.  YOU CAN HANG ON THERE!!!!!!!

    YES YOU CAN!! RAWRRR!!



Sunday, 17 May 2009

  • I had a good time yesterday.

    This song, ^ , is the song that Ly sent to me, that I absolutely fell in love with.

    So anyhow, yesterday went out pretty well.

    At 6 in the morning, well....we started at 6:20...ahhah, I met Mei at the tennis courts and we jogged a mile around the school track.  That was fun, and next week, we plan to do it again but for another two laps...so...about a mile and a half total.  D: I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Then, we sort of just talked it out a little bit...what I was feeling the night before and stuff...and how she coincidentally keeps coming across KV when she doesn't want to anymore LOL.

    It was nice.  At 7 AM, I was supposed to drop her off at the gym to set up the volleyball tournament.  I ended up staying until 10:30 AM.  D:
    Hahahh I fell on my back..the same part where I hit my back when I fell doing an ollie D:...this time, it was because I was trying to balance on a basketball.

    It was actually pretty fun.  There were some pretty good lucking Volleyball guys...=O one of them flashed their tummy and it was heavenly.  He had the whole "v" thing going above his danger zone, and a slight six-pack.  =O....

    Mei sure liked being there.  LOL but there were some violent volleyball players...jebus.  D:

    anyhow....nick was smelly as ever.  Hahahhah so smelly.  Smellay.  D: but i headbutted his eyeball when we were playing the "knees" game.  He won, though....though he looked freaky.  Like a rapist.  D:
    I prefer playin' with Ly...less dangerous, more fun.

    Anyhow, Kathy came to my hous at 11:30....LOL we went to fresh and easy...and we totally just blew off the spanish project wahahha.  We ended up going around the plaza....to dollar tree, then curiously to La Curacao (bahahah we felt so out of place...it was ridiculous...) and then to Game Stop.  And then back to Fresh and Easy to pick up pudding and icecream.

    That was fun D: she drove me there from my house...LOL and I taught her how to parallel park.  Ironically...and my dad saw it all too.  =D


    So anyhow, when we got home, Kathy and I started playing guitar hero...that was nice D:
    then Ly came at 1:30ish?....it was hella fun.  Kathy and he played some guitar hero...failing miserably were the both of them HAHAHHA.

    then we all hopped on the bed and watched a movie called Uzumaki.  Major LOLWTF...it was so freaki'n weird...it wasn't even scary.  It was just bizarre.  That was fun D:

    He started hitting my boob with my Mario Mushroom....then I threatened to pinch his nipples...ahahha that was fun...it was nearing the end of the movie and then he begins to molest my butt with my Mario Mushroom again.  D:
    he says it's not fair how I can touch his boobs but he can't touch mine LOL.

    Then the movie ended....and Angela texted me...she said she didn't know where everybody was...and so...

    I typed out the words that "Ly and Kathy are at my house..."
    and I purposely ran out of the room to take out my clothes from the laundry basket...and purposely left my phone in there...

    and I don't regret leaving it in there.

    because when I got back into my room, Ly was on the bed and Kathy was on the computer.

    and then Ly and I started wrestling.  He had me in a huge hug from behind and we were on the bed...I was struggling to get out but he wouldn't budge.  O__O.  He asked me "GIVE UP YET?" and i didn't...I tried for a few more minutes...then I stopped and said "I give up" LOL

    what he dosen't know is that I liked being in a position.  D: 

    then Kathy and I teamed up....I got him in a hold and I told kathy to pinch his boobies...totally worked.  Right on the money.  D: 

    and to make it even better....after a while, Ly and I were still on the bed...then I made an attempt at his boobs again, and then he grabbed my hands and threw me on top of him and grabbed hold of my waist and kept me against him.

    I was technically straddling him =O...

    we were in the position for quite a while....then Kathy tried to get me out of it cause he ended up almost pulling my shorts down LOL. 

    what he doesn't know is that I liked being in that position as well....D:

    anyhow, after that, I fed the kids some fries and we watched "It it a good idea to microwave this...?"

    D: fun times....ahh....

    after that, we sorta let Kathy on the skateboard...it was only for a little while, but she had to leave at 6 because she was going fishing with her brother.  that left me and my bra.  D:

     we decided to go to Monroe park to skate...and that we did...

    On the way there, I lifted my front set of wheels up to skip a crack, but my back wheel did no good and I ended up falling foward as the board went back..
    and I ripped the knees of my pants hahahahha. 

    at monroe, we saw skaters.

    and COINCIDENTALLY, ONE OF THEM WAS THE CUTE BOY I SAW AT THE CONCERT LAST THURSDAY WHEN FITZ COMBINED WITH LOS ORCHESTRA TO PLAY PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

    lucky~~

    D;
    cute child with grey pants and green shoes. 

    we forced Nhi to go to the park with us and watch us skateboard LOL

    and her siblings came soon after....Duy says the group of kids definitely go to our school...

    wahahahha.

    so we chilled at Nhi's house a while at the park, after Duy left us to play soldier front.  Hahahha.

    whenever Nhi wasn't looking, he'd molest my tummy...AND we also teamwork...cause I was messaging Nhi...LOL....he would take over my hands that were messaging her and then I'd grab her boobs.
    D: fun stuff.

    and then he went home.
    then I talked to Nhi for a while longer.
    and then I went home
    I was happy. 


    Today, my mom dropped me off at the mall while she went to the swapmeet with my pops...I bought his keychain that I was dared to get...And mannn D: that was mann.....he has a kakashi.  D: mine is gaara.

    I'm happy.
    though I'm sure it won't last long.


Saturday, 16 May 2009

  • Ahh this is fucked.





    So I know it's been like..what, February since I've last blogged.  I've just been so damn caught up in school...but now that AP exams are over, a load of my burdens are gone.  D; that's the good part

    the bad part is that I've lost one friend and gained a risky relationship.  Apparently, I sort of kind of asked Ly to prom.  It was spontaneous, you know. 

    but I was supposed to ask Bush to prom, but Christine said Bush would not go cause he already rejected a girl and that it wouldn't be fair for him to go with me and not the girl that asked him first.

    well, this sucks shit, because I was so confused for a period of time, whether I was starting to like Ly or this dude named Pikachu....but I chose Ly instead...even though we've established the brother/sister line. 

    Well, I'm not sure if it would have been better if I had chosen another but...whatever.  I don't know Pikachu that well....I met him when he was forcing me to be introduced to sigi from fiji (as christine calls him). 

    I've just been so confused.  Ly sends me mixed signals, and at the moment, I really like it--but when I reflect on it later, it's shit.

    Hahhah

    oh boy.  I feel really bad about Lindo.  I've been avoiding her as much as I can....and it sucks cause I can't sit with Nhi and Michelle anymore during lunch.  I miss being there.  And Nhi's been pretty cold too...ahhah I really miss being around them...but I guess things change.

    so I've been hanging out with Mei and Christine lately...but I feel as though I can relate to Mei a lot more than I can to Christine.
    and  get this.

    Ly told me after he said he was going to stop liking girls (cause of his rocky relationship with Lindo), that he started becoming interested in Angela and Christine, which makes me really sad because both get really touchy with Ly....blagh.

    Angela and Ly used to...you know, but Angela has Gaby now...wtf.  Which makes me so confused why she gets so close to Ly...does she not worry what Gaby thinks of her?  =(....

    And Christine is just out there all the time.  All the fuckin time...I used to be okay with it...but now that I think I have some sort of form of feeling for Ly, this also sucks shit

    I don't want to think this way, it's gay.  =(

    but for some reason, I just can't help it.  Mother effa. 
    Maybe I'm just some insane mother effa.  =( insanely jealous.

    Maybe if he'd stop sending me these mixed signals, I'd stop being jealous.  We've gotten pretty close, you know, and I like being close to Ly but it's driving me crazy.  I've become influenced by him.

    I've been skateboarding lately, and becoming more drawn to my 6th grade years when I loved blink 182.  /

    So I've cried three times already...since I last asked Ly out to prom.  One because I was effin' confused.  Two because of some reason I don't remember...probably a stupid one.  Oh yeah, that's right...it was another confusion one (I just don't understand what the boy wants me to feel....super lame and gay).  And then there's tonight...because of jealousy, I suppose.

    So my sister kidnapped me today to go shopping =) which was great because I had a great time.
    but he stayed after school with christine.
    and she told him all about band man....things she didn't tell me.  She tells me how band man likes to hug her and shit, but she tells Ly about band man's bad side (how on concert night he ditched her for his jacket and didn't help her put away the chairs)....why?

    WHY CHRISTINE!?!?  =( I like Christine a lot, but this shit is making me crazy.  Hahhah.  Lame. 

    Christine is the type whose feelings are not hurt that easily...she only gets teary from family things...not relationships.  From what I'm seeing, she gets over boys so easily, it makes me think she never, truly, liked them before.  And because she doesn't sentimentally feel for boys, I think that's the reason why she can get close to other guys all the while having a boyfriend. 

    She once told me that she made friends with guys by dating them first.  What....-__-?

    Sigh...which is why I can relate to Mei better.  I feel understood with Mei....ahhaha.  Christine's in the major leagues, while Mei and I are still in the Minor leagues. 


    I truly do wish I get over this situation easily.  I hope my feelings for Ly will go away because it already destroyed one friendship of mine....it might destroy another if I get anymore jealous.  This doesn't help at all.  I have no one to talk to about this besides my sister.

    but my sister isn't always home so I can't discuss these things with her since she's gone...doesn't even in the same house...but oh well..

    loneliness is the pile of shit I stepped on.
    and I'm the only one stuck in it.


    I'm getting really tired...at 6 AM I'm supposed to run with Mei...at 7 AM, I was supposed to go skateboarding with Christine, but she canceled on me last minute (I'm sort of glad).  then at 11 I'm meeting Kathy at Fresh and Easy for our spanish project.  Ly's coming I don't know when....but I hope he doesn't come early.  Maybe my mood will change tomorrow, but as of right now, his face is the last thing I want to talk about...but if I don't talk about it, it's going to bother. me.

    I really am lonesome.

    I miss my sisters, I miss my friends, I miss the good days back in 8th grade.
    I missed the life with no drama...
    I miss a lot of things..

    do I regret hanging out with Ly?  No way...he's the best big brother I've ever had but he makes me confused.

    When I was describing my situation with Pikachu to Christine, she just said "Ohhh he does that to everybody."
    well, that's great.  D:
    and to make it even better
    when I described my situation with Ly to Angela, she just said "Oh, he does that to me too."
    you know
    this
    sucks
    dick
    .
    Sigh.  I have no support, wherever I turn.
    I could always turn to Mei, but I feel selfish venting out all my feelings on her...and I feel bad because she needs to vent too but I don't exactly enjoy listening to her venting....so I'm just assuming she doesn't like listenign to me vent.
    I wish I was dead sometimes.

    I don't know if Ly is flirting with me or not.....but I hate it.  Anyhow, when he told me he hung out with Christine, I was like "Oh, okay D: that's cool"  but then he started sounding like he was bashing on bandman.  and then he told me Christine said she doesn't have feelings for bandman anymore. 

    that's great.  this makes my situation even better.  But I can't blame it.   Band man was being an inconsiderate bitch....despite what Christine told band man, he's wearing a navy suit and gold underneath?  Messed up, man.


    Hahhah I was right after all, Chi wun.  Nobody wants me at all. 

    I was crying tonight and I AIMed my cousin Kathy for help....she didn't help me.  She told me to suck it up.  But I couldn't help being sad...but it sure wasn't making me feel any better.  So I just logged off on her and cried on my bed?  Just as great, you know. 

    I'm going to die alone.

    I know I'm going to die alone....nobody wants me, nobody needs me, I'm just a fuck-up. 
    It might be too early to say this, but for now, I can't help but feel this way.  I'm only a high schooler.  A very unsocial high schooler.  Pikachu tried to take me out of my shell, but I refused to get out of the shell and stayed inside with Ly instead.

    bad mistake.  I should have taken Pikachu's hand.

    Anyhow...I'm slowly falling asleep...though I really don't want to because my eyes are puffy (not sure if it is now)

    and a bunch of rumors going around that Ly and I are blehg.  Well it's not.  I'm just fuckin confused.  FUCK MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

    I really need to calm down....I guess I should go to sleep now.

    or continue watching Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.

    I think I'll do that, then head to bed. 


    I hate life.