So I know it's been like..what, February since I've last blogged. I've just been so damn caught up in school...but now that AP exams are over, a load of my burdens are gone. D; that's the good part
the bad part is that I've lost one friend and gained a risky relationship. Apparently, I sort of kind of asked Ly to prom. It was spontaneous, you know.
but I was supposed to ask Bush to prom, but Christine said Bush would not go cause he already rejected a girl and that it wouldn't be fair for him to go with me and not the girl that asked him first.
well, this sucks shit, because I was so confused for a period of time, whether I was starting to like Ly or this dude named Pikachu....but I chose Ly instead...even though we've established the brother/sister line.
Well, I'm not sure if it would have been better if I had chosen another but...whatever. I don't know Pikachu that well....I met him when he was forcing me to be introduced to sigi from fiji (as christine calls him).
I've just been so confused. Ly sends me mixed signals, and at the moment, I really like it--but when I reflect on it later, it's shit.
Hahhah
oh boy. I feel really bad about Lindo. I've been avoiding her as much as I can....and it sucks cause I can't sit with Nhi and Michelle anymore during lunch. I miss being there. And Nhi's been pretty cold too...ahhah I really miss being around them...but I guess things change.
so I've been hanging out with Mei and Christine lately...but I feel as though I can relate to Mei a lot more than I can to Christine.
and get this.
Ly told me after he said he was going to stop liking girls (cause of his rocky relationship with Lindo), that he started becoming interested in Angela and Christine, which makes me really sad because both get really touchy with Ly....blagh.
Angela and Ly used to...you know, but Angela has Gaby now...wtf. Which makes me so confused why she gets so close to Ly...does she not worry what Gaby thinks of her? =(....
And Christine is just out there all the time. All the fuckin time...I used to be okay with it...but now that I think I have some sort of form of feeling for Ly, this also sucks shit
I don't want to think this way, it's gay. =(
but for some reason, I just can't help it. Mother effa.
Maybe I'm just some insane mother effa. =( insanely jealous.
Maybe if he'd stop sending me these mixed signals, I'd stop being jealous. We've gotten pretty close, you know, and I like being close to Ly but it's driving me crazy. I've become influenced by him.
I've been skateboarding lately, and becoming more drawn to my 6th grade years when I loved blink 182. /
So I've cried three times already...since I last asked Ly out to prom. One because I was effin' confused. Two because of some reason I don't remember...probably a stupid one. Oh yeah, that's right...it was another confusion one (I just don't understand what the boy wants me to feel....super lame and gay). And then there's tonight...because of jealousy, I suppose.
So my sister kidnapped me today to go shopping =) which was great because I had a great time.
but he stayed after school with christine.
and she told him all about band man....things she didn't tell me. She tells me how band man likes to hug her and shit, but she tells Ly about band man's bad side (how on concert night he ditched her for his jacket and didn't help her put away the chairs)....why?
WHY CHRISTINE!?!? =( I like Christine a lot, but this shit is making me crazy. Hahhah. Lame.
Christine is the type whose feelings are not hurt that easily...she only gets teary from family things...not relationships. From what I'm seeing, she gets over boys so easily, it makes me think she never, truly, liked them before. And because she doesn't sentimentally feel for boys, I think that's the reason why she can get close to other guys all the while having a boyfriend.
She once told me that she made friends with guys by dating them first. What....-__-?
Sigh...which is why I can relate to Mei better. I feel understood with Mei....ahhaha. Christine's in the major leagues, while Mei and I are still in the Minor leagues.
I truly do wish I get over this situation easily. I hope my feelings for Ly will go away because it already destroyed one friendship of mine....it might destroy another if I get anymore jealous. This doesn't help at all. I have no one to talk to about this besides my sister.
but my sister isn't always home so I can't discuss these things with her since she's gone...doesn't even in the same house...but oh well..
loneliness is the pile of shit I stepped on.
and I'm the only one stuck in it.
I'm getting really tired...at 6 AM I'm supposed to run with Mei...at 7 AM, I was supposed to go skateboarding with Christine, but she canceled on me last minute (I'm sort of glad). then at 11 I'm meeting Kathy at Fresh and Easy for our spanish project. Ly's coming I don't know when....but I hope he doesn't come early. Maybe my mood will change tomorrow, but as of right now, his face is the last thing I want to talk about...but if I don't talk about it, it's going to bother. me.
I really am lonesome.
I miss my sisters, I miss my friends, I miss the good days back in 8th grade.
I missed the life with no drama...
I miss a lot of things..
do I regret hanging out with Ly? No way...he's the best big brother I've ever had but he makes me confused.
When I was describing my situation with Pikachu to Christine, she just said "Ohhh he does that to everybody."
well, that's great. D:
and to make it even better
when I described my situation with Ly to Angela, she just said "Oh, he does that to me too."
you know
this
sucks
dick
.
Sigh. I have no support, wherever I turn.
I could always turn to Mei, but I feel selfish venting out all my feelings on her...and I feel bad because she needs to vent too but I don't exactly enjoy listening to her venting....so I'm just assuming she doesn't like listenign to me vent.
I wish I was dead sometimes.
I don't know if Ly is flirting with me or not.....but I hate it. Anyhow, when he told me he hung out with Christine, I was like "Oh, okay D: that's cool" but then he started sounding like he was bashing on bandman. and then he told me Christine said she doesn't have feelings for bandman anymore.
that's great. this makes my situation even better. But I can't blame it. Band man was being an inconsiderate bitch....despite what Christine told band man, he's wearing a navy suit and gold underneath? Messed up, man.
Hahhah I was right after all, Chi wun. Nobody wants me at all.
I was crying tonight and I AIMed my cousin Kathy for help....she didn't help me. She told me to suck it up. But I couldn't help being sad...but it sure wasn't making me feel any better. So I just logged off on her and cried on my bed? Just as great, you know.
I'm going to die alone.
I know I'm going to die alone....nobody wants me, nobody needs me, I'm just a fuck-up.
It might be too early to say this, but for now, I can't help but feel this way. I'm only a high schooler. A very unsocial high schooler. Pikachu tried to take me out of my shell, but I refused to get out of the shell and stayed inside with Ly instead.
bad mistake. I should have taken Pikachu's hand.
Anyhow...I'm slowly falling asleep...though I really don't want to because my eyes are puffy (not sure if it is now)
and a bunch of rumors going around that Ly and I are blehg. Well it's not. I'm just fuckin confused. FUCK MY LIFE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I really need to calm down....I guess I should go to sleep now.
or continue watching Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.
I think I'll do that, then head to bed.
I hate life.
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